All on the line...emotionally

So, I know its been a while since I've been here but today I felt strongly to share my feelings about where we are.

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A few months ago I just wasn't feeling right. I made and appointment with my Dr. to tell him about what was going on. I was trying HARD to lose weight. I was working out 5 days a week, eating right, doing everything I could. I was gaining weight! He gave me this speech about this and that and didn't want me to get my hopes up that something was wrong, maybe my body just didn't like the things I was putting in to it or was getting "used" to working out. Whatever, I knew. He ordered some labs and sure enough....insulin resistance. Back to the PCOS mumbo jumbo! Great.

I wasn't ovulating, I was gaining weight, I had insulin resistance, and still NO BABY! He decided to start me on Metformin and see how that went for 3 months. This is month three and still no baby. But there are some positive things that have come from this. Last month I decided to do OPK's to see if I was ovulating on my own. Now before we get too far ahead, I already know that you can get a positive and still not ovulate. On day 18 of my cycle I got a +!!! Praise Jesus! The medicine was working! 14 days later my period started (grrr) but I knew my body was working the way it should. This month, I had lots of tell tale signs that I ovulated around day 14 or 15. I didn't do an OPK this month because I didn't want the stress of having to take a test every day at the same time and blah blah. If you have ever taken OPK's then you understand what I mean...it's tiring. I think it's worse than a pregnancy test, honestly!

So here we are, month 3. I'm waiting. Waiting on my period to arrive, waiting on a + pregnancy test, waiting to see what happens this month. If I am not pregnant this month, then we move on. We redo my labs to see where my levels are. If they are improving.

I have lost 13 lbs, which isn't a ton, but its something. Anything is better than gaining weight!! Metformin has kicked my rear though, its not an easy medicine to be on. You definitely have to eat right and cut back on the carbs and sugar!! Something I'm not great at!! I'm getting there though!

If I'm not pregnant, we will more thank likely try more fertility treatments beginning in January. I want to be that woman and couple that goes off treatments and gets pregnant. I want to be that couple that is able to tell that miracle story. Either way we will have a miracle, I know it. But quite honestly, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of it all!

I'm broken, emotionally. I'm ready to be a mother. I'm ready to see my husband as a father. I know he will be so great with our children. I don't want to have to go through IVF, I just don't. It's hard to rely on Dr.'s, medicine, God. But that's what we will have to do. It won't be and hasn't been easy for us, but we will have a story to tell at the end of all this. Encouragement for others.

I think from now on, I will try and not talk about infertility all the time. I will keep you updated but I also want to just write about other things. Life in general. I know a baby is my life right now but it doesn't have to consume it.

Much love...

Danielle

Infertility Click-Don't be a mean girl!

So I came across a situation recently that made me think about this whole "infertility community" thing. I want to start off by saying that I absolutely LOVE and ADORE all of the women and couples that I have "met" through our journey.

But, sometimes I feel like its a click. Have you ever gotten on those blog forum communities? I have never personally posted anything but I've read columns where someone will say the wrong thing or ask a wrong question and its like they shot the president. They get scolded and shunned basically from the conversation.

I understand you need to filter your social media life because there are crazies out there, but c'mon really? We are all going through the same thing, we are all dealing with the emotions and stress of infertility. We all know what it feels like.

Those of us who have been on this journey longer than the couple who just found out they will have to try Clomid to conceive, need to be supportive of them. They are new to the emotions and the trauma that comes along with that news. Instead of bashing them or asking if they are spam, we need to ask them if they are ok. What can I do to help you? Do you have any questions? If you don't want someone in your circle of friends, just deny the request to be friends with them. Don't accept the friend request and move on. I wouldn't want to be that to be my support group anyways.

Just my two cents for the day. But don't be a mean girl. We need to love and accept every one who is on this road with us because believe me its a tight road and its busy. We will bump in to people along the way and if we all rally together we can all kick infertility in the BEHIND! Let's celebrate and love each other!

Have you guys met Lena? I love her blog and she is so sweet. You can find it <here>!! She is so positive and I love reading her posts!!

Much Love!

Infertility Awareness Week

 

This week is infertility awareness week. As you all know, this hits home for me. I actually know a lot of people personally that are struggling with it. It's so weird to think that just a few short years ago I was totally oblivious to all of this. Now, I am all too familiar.

 

Today I am linking up with Lauren over at our crazy ever after to raise awareness!!

 

 

If you don't know our history you can read it all at the links below...

 

Can't Wait to Meet You Someday

The End of the Story

Opening Up about Our Infertility Journey

Our Journey Pt. 2

Our First Fertility Appointment

Plan of Action

The Results are In

Build a Baby Update 

Not a Typical Sunday Morning

Look What Came in the Mail

They Shot Me

TCC Update

 

There are some other posts in between here and there but these are the main ones that will explain what is going on.

 

We were going to take a break this month but decided that we've invested so much in to this already that we might as well try again. So we started the process all over again.

 

We didn't really tell anyone we were going to try again this month because mainly I wanted it to be a surprise, but with this week I want people to be aware. I want them to know they aren't alone.

 

So, baseline ultrasound and Clomid again with the trigger shot.

 

The first dose of Clomid this round didn't work, so I had to start it again right away. Two doses of Clomid in one cycle. Enter PSHYCO Danielle. :)

 

Finally, the second one worked, I triggered and hopefully ovulated the next day. We did the ultrasound a day later on cycle day 13 instead of 12 so my follicles were good sized. All 3 above 1.8. One was 1.8 and the other two were like 2.6 and 2.8. I was having so much pain on my left side and I thought for sure there was another cyst there but luckily it was because all 3 follicles were on the same side.

 

So now, I'm in the dreadful, from h. e. double hockey sticks waiting period. Seriously, when I get to Heaven I'm going to ask God why He made us have to suffer through all this waiting. Always waiting during a cycle. It's stressful and they tell you not to stress. ha.

 

We are ready for this part of the journey to be over. You can see below just how much time and money we've put in to trying for a baby. I'm sure we've spent a good amount more than that but it doesn't let you put in different costs. Either way, its taxing. I pray each day for all of the couples who are like us. All those struggling. Whether the journey is years or months it still doesn't make it any easier. I try to remind myself daily that we will all get our someday. The someday that we will be pregnant. The someday that we don't have to worry about miscarrying. The someday that we will have a precious bundle of joy in our arms.

 

They Shot Me

Happy Thursday everyone!

Yesterday I had to go in for my second ultrasound this cycle to see if my follies were ready for the trigger shot. I was so nervous because these ultrasounds are pretty expensive and our insurance doesn't cover them because they are claimed under infertility.

Either way, I had three follicles that were ready to go!! I honestly can't remember which side was which but I'm pretty sure that I had two good ones on the right and one good one on the left. The two on one side were both 20mm. The other side was 17mm.

I guess anything 17 and above is good according to my Dr. I'm trying not to think about it (how do you not) because I don't want anything to factor in to it not happening or not attaching or this and that and on and on.

I got the shot in my backside and let me tell you...ouch. It didn't actually hurt when they did the shot but afterwards. Man, around where it went in is killer. But, the realization I had to come to today was that....I don't feel good. I'm nauseous, exhausted, crampy (oh so crampy) and extremely moody!!! I was reading a forum today that said that 10,000 iu of HCG is equal to 9-13 weeks pregnant. Hello! No wonder I'm exhausted. I feel like I could fall over at any minute. Now, if it were only the case that I was truly pregnant. We will have to wait to find that out though! But for now I will relish in what is going on in my body. It's working, albeit with drugs, but it's working!

I start the progesterone on Saturday and then we wait. and wait. and wait. until the 21st. Which is the first day they told me to test. The nurse made sure I knew not to test before the 21st because with the HCG you can get a false positive and of course I don't want that! Hopes up, hopes down. Again, I was reading and they said to definitely not test before 10 DPO which would be the 17th. I'll try and hold out but we will see. No promises made here!!

I don't have any pictures from the Dr but I do have a picture of my lovely parents who went with me yesterday and stood by my side. Unfortunately my husbands job isn't as lenient as mine for time off so he can't be at this appointments. It's important but not as important as whats to come! I had another appointment with my hematologist yesterday too so it was an all day adventure. I'll write more on that later.

Love.

Lookie what came in the mail

So on Wednesday I received this beauty in the mail!! This is the HCG trigger shot I will hopefully be taking this next Wednesday. I am believing this will be the best $$ spent!!! I took my last Clomid pills today!! Yippie!

 

We did Clomid before but never with a trigger shot. That's what caused the 3 cm cyst on my ovary because I wasn't monitored and was just given Clomid over and over for 4 months. This time will be different though. I'm so excited.

Sadly, when I get excited so much on the inside that I feel like I'm going to burst, I tell myself to stop it. Don't get your hopes up. You've been here before, thinking that this is the month. If the Dr. will only give me Clomid I'll get pregnant the first month, I know it. 4 months later I was in worse shape than when I started. Now, we are in the same boat and I'm soooooo super happy. I can't even explain the anticipation and excitement I'm having right now, but also the anxiety and doubt.

So, I've decided to move forward with my thoughts. Quit thinking about what happened at the other Dr. We are seeing specialists now and they are experienced and do this daily, multiple times. I am focusing on the day at hand. Tomorrow is the furthest I will look because there is no need to speculate what's going to happen. Worrying and contemplating is not going to change the results of the ultrasound on Wednesday.

Praying will though, I'm standing firm on believing that Wednesday will be the day that everything is ready and that we will be able to go ahead and take the shot and won't have to go back again for another ultrasound.

I also have my hematology appointment on Wednesday to see what is really going on with my blood and how much more treatment will be needed or not needed. Lots of new info coming my way!!!! Good news, good news, good news!!!!

Oh you know, just a (non) typical Sunday morning

Just an update on how the "production" is going. I hadn't started my period yet last time I updated you so I thought I should let you in on what's going on now.

I had to take the progesterone and then wait 10 days for my period to start. I only took it for 7 and then waited 5 days for the lovely to come. So of course it started on Saturday...a day the Drs Office isn't open right! Well, fortunately our office is open 7 days a week, not 24 hours though, but still open for at least a little bit during the weekend because of IVF and all of that! How wonderful!

I got to get up at 6:30 and get ready (office is 30 minutes away) and be there by 8 so I could beat the crowd. I ended up parking in a lot I don't think I was supposed to park in because I was the only car in the lot. I was so excited, I thought that I had beaten everyone there. Umm...wrong. I got to the office and there were probably 30 people in there already. A lot of them were couples, so I'm assuming they were there for IVF, IUI or something of that sort. Everyone looked sleepy and ticked off. Fortunately as soon as I sat down, I got called back. Ultrasound 3 minutes later. They do a baseline ultrasound before day 3 of your cycle to make sure there are no cysts that would be made worse by the Clomid. No cysts here! Yippie!

Everything looked great and I was on my way out the door with a script for Clomid in my hand.

 

So now, I take 2 of these bad boys a day for 5 days. Then back for another ultrasound to check the size of my follies and then time for trigger shot. Injection. Yikes. But it's ok. I better get used to it since I'll be having to do it twice a day while I'm pregnant. If the follicles aren't ready, then we have to wait and I have to just keep going back until they are ready, then you take the shot. Then you do married people things. Then you wait. 2 weeks. you wait.....and wait. Drive a woman insane I tell ya!

 

I would really appreciate your prayers that we are one and done. One month only for this round of treatments, I pray we don't have to do 4 months again, then birth control, then, then, then.  I don't know that I could handle it! :)

Build a Baby Update

So this is my arsenal of medication. In the mornings I take my prenatal vitamins, cranberry pill, extra folic acid, and low dose aspirin. Then at night right now, I'm taking Provera.

 

I was supposed to start my cycle on the 3rd. Didn't happen. So, I waited until the 10th and nothing. I took a test and it was of course negative. I called the Dr. and they had me go for blood work just to double check and make sure I wasn't pregnant and also to check my progesterone levels. Apparently they were low, which indicates that I didn't ovulate this month, which means my period will need help starting. That's the reason for Provera at night right now. I take that for 10 days then the period is supposed to start within 10 days of stopping it.

Ahh well, we weren't "trying" anyway this month because we wanted to start fresh when my cycle started with Clomid!

Now, it's just waiting until it does start then I will go in for an ultrasound to see where things are and then start Clomid if all looks well in there!! Praying!

The Results Are In....

Hey All!!

I had my follow up Dr's appointment yesterday to go over my blood work results and it turns out I have Factor V Leiden. <you can read about it here>

In short what this means is that its an inherited disorder of blood clotting. I have a higher than average risk of developing a type of blood clot. It's associated with a slightly increased risk of miscarriage. Women with this mutation are two to three times more likely to have multiple miscarriages or a pregnancy loss during the second or third trimester. It can cause other complications too...preeclampsia, slow fetal growth, and early separation of the placenta from the uterine wall.

I either got the mutation from one or both of my parents. <thanks mom> There is no way to get rid of it, you just have to treat it.

How the Dr. explained it to me is that you have all these blood vessels in your uterus and if you blood is clotting then it restricts the flow to the uterus and the fetus. Therefore, causing miscarriage. So for now, I am on my prenatals, extra folic acid, and baby aspirin. Then, when I start my cycle we will do Clomid and a trigger shot all the while being monitored to check ovulation and all of that. Then I will start progesterone, I'm not sure yet whether it will be injections or suppositories <yippie> but either way it helps right? Then, once we get a positive pregnancy test, I will start Lovenox injections two times a day for my entire pregnancy and 6 weeks after delivery. Sounds fun right?

To me it's all worth it, but talk to me when I start the injections and we will see. I'm sure it will become second nature after a while though. Not too bad. I don't have PCOS, my hormone levels are perfect, my uterus is perfect, my tubes are open. All positive news...much different than a year ago when there was no hope.

We have a diagnosis and can move forward with positive hopes. I was soooo worried we would leave this appointment with "unexplained infertility" and wouldn't know where to go from here. But, we didn't. I am sooo thankful for this. We have dealt with this now for 2 years and finally have an answer.

I have to go to a hematologist now and get diagnosed "officially" so hopefully it will help with the cost of things. <craps expensive>

C'mon Feb. 3rd, I'm ready to start this Clomid and get baby a cookin'.

Cheers to positive news, it's been a long time comin'. If you're having trouble getting pregnant and aren't seeing a specialist...DO IT. There are so many more tests and information available through them rather than your normal OB. I was very discouraged with my regular Dr. and then we went to a RE and things have completely changed. 180° difference!!! There is hope! It may seem like it's going to take eternity, and I completely understand, but some day we will get our positive!!

Much love!
-D-

Plan of Action

Today I go back to the Dr. to figure out our plan of action for my upcoming cycle. Yay!!!! Also, this is the day that I get my blood work results to see if I have a clotting disorder which is causing the blood flow to not get to the embryo/fetus. At this point, a diagnosis is better than nothing to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I want there to be nothing wrong! But, at the same time I want to know what is going on and what is causing recurrent miscarriages. I don't want to have to go through another one so I want to know what's going on in there before we get pregnant. Because the next one is going to stick!!!

I will let ya know how it goes tomorrow!!!

In other news, we are going back and forth about getting a dog. I don't really want one because it's freezing and I don't want my baby (Quincey) to have to deal with another animal. I know that shouldn't be an excuse not to get a dog. I don't want to have to deal with taking a dog outside in the freeeezing cold. It would have to be crated all day long while we are at work (I go home at lunch) at first because I wouldn't trust the darn thing.  Of course, no matter when we get a dog, we will be getting a rescue. There are so many adult dogs that don't have a chance because every one seems to want a puppy. That is one thing I cannot handle is a puppy. NO thanks. I don't have the patience!

I think I'll stick with the cutie pie. He loves my yarn stash!!!

SHG and HSG

Overall experience?

Not bad for the SHG! It was definitely uncomfortable but not painful. The only semi pain I had was when they put the catheter in. Other than that...nothing, nada, no pain. Which totally blew me away because I read all the horror stories online about how the SHG was impossible and the HSG was even worse.

But, all is well with my uterus! :) No polys or fibroids! Yippie!

The HSG....was totally fine. Yes, it was crampy and uncomfortable but NO where near what I was prepared for. I guess in my mind I calm myself because it's worth it to know what is going on inside. It's worth it to know that there is nothing hindering anything.

Now, we just wait on the blood results and go from there. I go back in two weeks to find out the results from all of that and to map out the plan of action!!

One step closer people...one step closer! And that's all we can do...take it one step at a time!

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