All on the line...emotionally

So, I know its been a while since I've been here but today I felt strongly to share my feelings about where we are.

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A few months ago I just wasn't feeling right. I made and appointment with my Dr. to tell him about what was going on. I was trying HARD to lose weight. I was working out 5 days a week, eating right, doing everything I could. I was gaining weight! He gave me this speech about this and that and didn't want me to get my hopes up that something was wrong, maybe my body just didn't like the things I was putting in to it or was getting "used" to working out. Whatever, I knew. He ordered some labs and sure enough....insulin resistance. Back to the PCOS mumbo jumbo! Great.

I wasn't ovulating, I was gaining weight, I had insulin resistance, and still NO BABY! He decided to start me on Metformin and see how that went for 3 months. This is month three and still no baby. But there are some positive things that have come from this. Last month I decided to do OPK's to see if I was ovulating on my own. Now before we get too far ahead, I already know that you can get a positive and still not ovulate. On day 18 of my cycle I got a +!!! Praise Jesus! The medicine was working! 14 days later my period started (grrr) but I knew my body was working the way it should. This month, I had lots of tell tale signs that I ovulated around day 14 or 15. I didn't do an OPK this month because I didn't want the stress of having to take a test every day at the same time and blah blah. If you have ever taken OPK's then you understand what I mean...it's tiring. I think it's worse than a pregnancy test, honestly!

So here we are, month 3. I'm waiting. Waiting on my period to arrive, waiting on a + pregnancy test, waiting to see what happens this month. If I am not pregnant this month, then we move on. We redo my labs to see where my levels are. If they are improving.

I have lost 13 lbs, which isn't a ton, but its something. Anything is better than gaining weight!! Metformin has kicked my rear though, its not an easy medicine to be on. You definitely have to eat right and cut back on the carbs and sugar!! Something I'm not great at!! I'm getting there though!

If I'm not pregnant, we will more thank likely try more fertility treatments beginning in January. I want to be that woman and couple that goes off treatments and gets pregnant. I want to be that couple that is able to tell that miracle story. Either way we will have a miracle, I know it. But quite honestly, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of it all!

I'm broken, emotionally. I'm ready to be a mother. I'm ready to see my husband as a father. I know he will be so great with our children. I don't want to have to go through IVF, I just don't. It's hard to rely on Dr.'s, medicine, God. But that's what we will have to do. It won't be and hasn't been easy for us, but we will have a story to tell at the end of all this. Encouragement for others.

I think from now on, I will try and not talk about infertility all the time. I will keep you updated but I also want to just write about other things. Life in general. I know a baby is my life right now but it doesn't have to consume it.

Much love...

Danielle

Infertility Click-Don't be a mean girl!

So I came across a situation recently that made me think about this whole "infertility community" thing. I want to start off by saying that I absolutely LOVE and ADORE all of the women and couples that I have "met" through our journey.

But, sometimes I feel like its a click. Have you ever gotten on those blog forum communities? I have never personally posted anything but I've read columns where someone will say the wrong thing or ask a wrong question and its like they shot the president. They get scolded and shunned basically from the conversation.

I understand you need to filter your social media life because there are crazies out there, but c'mon really? We are all going through the same thing, we are all dealing with the emotions and stress of infertility. We all know what it feels like.

Those of us who have been on this journey longer than the couple who just found out they will have to try Clomid to conceive, need to be supportive of them. They are new to the emotions and the trauma that comes along with that news. Instead of bashing them or asking if they are spam, we need to ask them if they are ok. What can I do to help you? Do you have any questions? If you don't want someone in your circle of friends, just deny the request to be friends with them. Don't accept the friend request and move on. I wouldn't want to be that to be my support group anyways.

Just my two cents for the day. But don't be a mean girl. We need to love and accept every one who is on this road with us because believe me its a tight road and its busy. We will bump in to people along the way and if we all rally together we can all kick infertility in the BEHIND! Let's celebrate and love each other!

Have you guys met Lena? I love her blog and she is so sweet. You can find it <here>!! She is so positive and I love reading her posts!!

Much Love!

we interrupt your regularly scheduled program....to lose weight

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With a negative pregnancy test on Wednesday it's hard for me not to be negative.

We have decided to take a break from fertility treatments for now. We are going to take 3 months off and see where that gets us. I am going to bust my butt to lose as much weight as I can (all the while being healthy and not crash dieting because that never gets me anywhere). I have started a class at the YMCA called Pound, I think I mentioned it before. But I love it. sometimes its hard on back but its so much fun and time just flies because its all to music and you're constantly moving.

Realistically I need to lose 80 pounds. I hope know that's not going to happen all before we get pregnant. If it does then ok but if it doesn't then I'll be fine with it. As long as I know that I'm moving toward a goal of getting healthier. I know my eating habits are bad, but I feel like all these hormones and injections and on and on have really made it hard for me and contributed to me gaining weight. Trust me...we eat bad and I know! So that's going to change!

Our/my goal is to not eat out or eat fast food during the week for the month of May. Mike and I go out on dates on the weekend and its just something we enjoy so I don't think its a realistic goal for the weekends but we still don't have to go crazy when we are eating out.

I also want to cut out pop and a lot of sugar. Again, I'm not going to cut out all these things at once and crash diet because I wont stick to it. If I eliminate one thing at a time it will be easier. So eating out/fast food and pop are my two main focuses this month.

Here we go. I'm going to start doing weight updates again. I'm not going to post my weight because I'm trying not to focus on numbers so much like I did before. It's hard for me because I like to hide and not let people see things like this but it gives me motivation. I will take pictures and post them for you all to see. It will probably be an evolving thing.

I'm ready!! Are you? Would you like to join me? Let's do something and make a change for the month of May! One month at a time! I'll start posting on Monday!

Flowers for Spring {inspiration}

I love spring! I love the fresh flowers and the new life that comes with spring. It just makes things seem new and fresh. A brand new start full of cheer and happy thoughts!

Lately, my thoughts have been pretty negative. I've fallen in to the infertility funk, rut, ravine, sink hole, whatever you want to call it.

It's officially been 27 months since we've started trying for a child and almost 1 year since we conceived last time. I try not to focus on the long term numbers because it really depresses me. So much that I don't want to be around people. I don't want to take care of myself and I eat. And gain weight. Then I start feeling better and the next month happens. The next negative comes and it starts all over again!

Not this month. I've started going to a POUND workout class that my aunt teaches and I will continue to do so until we get pregnant. Then I will have to get the clear from the doc before I can work out. I don't want anything to happen this time! I'm overweight and out of shape so it's been hard but I'm doing it. I'm super sore and a little grouchy about it but hey I feel better when I leave and it makes me want to eat better to be able to see results.

I've let my weight go and I'm so unhappy about it, but food is good and I was lazy and I let myself slip in to the overweight funk.

I've been trying to turn my negative attitude around about our situation because I'm not the only one who has ever gone through this. I have a great support system and hope and faith that things will come to pass. I just can't help but think that we have been waiting for so long.

There are so many questions that I have that I'm not sure I will ever get answers for but it's ok. Why do we have to wait? Why are there so many couples out there that get pregnant without trying? Why are there so many women who don't want to be pregnant get pregnant? Women who have had their tubes tied and men who have had vasectomies, pregnant? Women in 3rd world countries that can't take care of themselves and their babies, who have AIDS and probably won't live to even see their babies turn one. (this truly breaks my heart so I'm not being rude or disrespectful here)

But a new day is coming. Hopefully sooner rather than later! We are so very ready for this next chapter in our lives, the chapter that includes 3 (and more to come) Covington's (plus Quincey Kitty). The chapter that brings new life, new hope, new joy, new restoration. We are ready to be more than what we are!

Here's to spring! Warm weather, sunshine, flowers, birds chirping, and new life!!

Lookie what came in the mail

So on Wednesday I received this beauty in the mail!! This is the HCG trigger shot I will hopefully be taking this next Wednesday. I am believing this will be the best $$ spent!!! I took my last Clomid pills today!! Yippie!

 

We did Clomid before but never with a trigger shot. That's what caused the 3 cm cyst on my ovary because I wasn't monitored and was just given Clomid over and over for 4 months. This time will be different though. I'm so excited.

Sadly, when I get excited so much on the inside that I feel like I'm going to burst, I tell myself to stop it. Don't get your hopes up. You've been here before, thinking that this is the month. If the Dr. will only give me Clomid I'll get pregnant the first month, I know it. 4 months later I was in worse shape than when I started. Now, we are in the same boat and I'm soooooo super happy. I can't even explain the anticipation and excitement I'm having right now, but also the anxiety and doubt.

So, I've decided to move forward with my thoughts. Quit thinking about what happened at the other Dr. We are seeing specialists now and they are experienced and do this daily, multiple times. I am focusing on the day at hand. Tomorrow is the furthest I will look because there is no need to speculate what's going to happen. Worrying and contemplating is not going to change the results of the ultrasound on Wednesday.

Praying will though, I'm standing firm on believing that Wednesday will be the day that everything is ready and that we will be able to go ahead and take the shot and won't have to go back again for another ultrasound.

I also have my hematology appointment on Wednesday to see what is really going on with my blood and how much more treatment will be needed or not needed. Lots of new info coming my way!!!! Good news, good news, good news!!!!

Don't be a Negative Viber

Sending away all the negative vibes and vibers in my life. Don't have time for it. This is a year of positivity and increase in every aspect of life.

 

Have a wonderful day everyone!