All on the line...emotionally

So, I know its been a while since I've been here but today I felt strongly to share my feelings about where we are.

source

 

A few months ago I just wasn't feeling right. I made and appointment with my Dr. to tell him about what was going on. I was trying HARD to lose weight. I was working out 5 days a week, eating right, doing everything I could. I was gaining weight! He gave me this speech about this and that and didn't want me to get my hopes up that something was wrong, maybe my body just didn't like the things I was putting in to it or was getting "used" to working out. Whatever, I knew. He ordered some labs and sure enough....insulin resistance. Back to the PCOS mumbo jumbo! Great.

I wasn't ovulating, I was gaining weight, I had insulin resistance, and still NO BABY! He decided to start me on Metformin and see how that went for 3 months. This is month three and still no baby. But there are some positive things that have come from this. Last month I decided to do OPK's to see if I was ovulating on my own. Now before we get too far ahead, I already know that you can get a positive and still not ovulate. On day 18 of my cycle I got a +!!! Praise Jesus! The medicine was working! 14 days later my period started (grrr) but I knew my body was working the way it should. This month, I had lots of tell tale signs that I ovulated around day 14 or 15. I didn't do an OPK this month because I didn't want the stress of having to take a test every day at the same time and blah blah. If you have ever taken OPK's then you understand what I mean...it's tiring. I think it's worse than a pregnancy test, honestly!

So here we are, month 3. I'm waiting. Waiting on my period to arrive, waiting on a + pregnancy test, waiting to see what happens this month. If I am not pregnant this month, then we move on. We redo my labs to see where my levels are. If they are improving.

I have lost 13 lbs, which isn't a ton, but its something. Anything is better than gaining weight!! Metformin has kicked my rear though, its not an easy medicine to be on. You definitely have to eat right and cut back on the carbs and sugar!! Something I'm not great at!! I'm getting there though!

If I'm not pregnant, we will more thank likely try more fertility treatments beginning in January. I want to be that woman and couple that goes off treatments and gets pregnant. I want to be that couple that is able to tell that miracle story. Either way we will have a miracle, I know it. But quite honestly, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of it all!

I'm broken, emotionally. I'm ready to be a mother. I'm ready to see my husband as a father. I know he will be so great with our children. I don't want to have to go through IVF, I just don't. It's hard to rely on Dr.'s, medicine, God. But that's what we will have to do. It won't be and hasn't been easy for us, but we will have a story to tell at the end of all this. Encouragement for others.

I think from now on, I will try and not talk about infertility all the time. I will keep you updated but I also want to just write about other things. Life in general. I know a baby is my life right now but it doesn't have to consume it.

Much love...

Danielle

Infertility Awareness Week

 

This week is infertility awareness week. As you all know, this hits home for me. I actually know a lot of people personally that are struggling with it. It's so weird to think that just a few short years ago I was totally oblivious to all of this. Now, I am all too familiar.

 

Today I am linking up with Lauren over at our crazy ever after to raise awareness!!

 

 

If you don't know our history you can read it all at the links below...

 

Can't Wait to Meet You Someday

The End of the Story

Opening Up about Our Infertility Journey

Our Journey Pt. 2

Our First Fertility Appointment

Plan of Action

The Results are In

Build a Baby Update 

Not a Typical Sunday Morning

Look What Came in the Mail

They Shot Me

TCC Update

 

There are some other posts in between here and there but these are the main ones that will explain what is going on.

 

We were going to take a break this month but decided that we've invested so much in to this already that we might as well try again. So we started the process all over again.

 

We didn't really tell anyone we were going to try again this month because mainly I wanted it to be a surprise, but with this week I want people to be aware. I want them to know they aren't alone.

 

So, baseline ultrasound and Clomid again with the trigger shot.

 

The first dose of Clomid this round didn't work, so I had to start it again right away. Two doses of Clomid in one cycle. Enter PSHYCO Danielle. :)

 

Finally, the second one worked, I triggered and hopefully ovulated the next day. We did the ultrasound a day later on cycle day 13 instead of 12 so my follicles were good sized. All 3 above 1.8. One was 1.8 and the other two were like 2.6 and 2.8. I was having so much pain on my left side and I thought for sure there was another cyst there but luckily it was because all 3 follicles were on the same side.

 

So now, I'm in the dreadful, from h. e. double hockey sticks waiting period. Seriously, when I get to Heaven I'm going to ask God why He made us have to suffer through all this waiting. Always waiting during a cycle. It's stressful and they tell you not to stress. ha.

 

We are ready for this part of the journey to be over. You can see below just how much time and money we've put in to trying for a baby. I'm sure we've spent a good amount more than that but it doesn't let you put in different costs. Either way, its taxing. I pray each day for all of the couples who are like us. All those struggling. Whether the journey is years or months it still doesn't make it any easier. I try to remind myself daily that we will all get our someday. The someday that we will be pregnant. The someday that we don't have to worry about miscarrying. The someday that we will have a precious bundle of joy in our arms.

 

TTC Update

Hello All,

With a heavy heart I want to let you know that we did not conceive this month. We are going to take a break. I can't handle the emotions and the stress and everything else that goes along with it. All the crazy hormones from the medication and injection, the waiting and more waiting. It just gets to be too much!

I will also be taking a break from blogging for a couple weeks. I need time to just think, to meditate and get back to a good place. I've been so focused on baby, baby, baby that I haven't taken time for myself and to get back to the things I enjoy. I'm going to take time to hopefully lose some weight. Also to enjoy my husband and cherish these times with just the two of us!

Thanks for your prayers and support, please keep them coming.

Much love.

They Shot Me

Happy Thursday everyone!

Yesterday I had to go in for my second ultrasound this cycle to see if my follies were ready for the trigger shot. I was so nervous because these ultrasounds are pretty expensive and our insurance doesn't cover them because they are claimed under infertility.

Either way, I had three follicles that were ready to go!! I honestly can't remember which side was which but I'm pretty sure that I had two good ones on the right and one good one on the left. The two on one side were both 20mm. The other side was 17mm.

I guess anything 17 and above is good according to my Dr. I'm trying not to think about it (how do you not) because I don't want anything to factor in to it not happening or not attaching or this and that and on and on.

I got the shot in my backside and let me tell you...ouch. It didn't actually hurt when they did the shot but afterwards. Man, around where it went in is killer. But, the realization I had to come to today was that....I don't feel good. I'm nauseous, exhausted, crampy (oh so crampy) and extremely moody!!! I was reading a forum today that said that 10,000 iu of HCG is equal to 9-13 weeks pregnant. Hello! No wonder I'm exhausted. I feel like I could fall over at any minute. Now, if it were only the case that I was truly pregnant. We will have to wait to find that out though! But for now I will relish in what is going on in my body. It's working, albeit with drugs, but it's working!

I start the progesterone on Saturday and then we wait. and wait. and wait. until the 21st. Which is the first day they told me to test. The nurse made sure I knew not to test before the 21st because with the HCG you can get a false positive and of course I don't want that! Hopes up, hopes down. Again, I was reading and they said to definitely not test before 10 DPO which would be the 17th. I'll try and hold out but we will see. No promises made here!!

I don't have any pictures from the Dr but I do have a picture of my lovely parents who went with me yesterday and stood by my side. Unfortunately my husbands job isn't as lenient as mine for time off so he can't be at this appointments. It's important but not as important as whats to come! I had another appointment with my hematologist yesterday too so it was an all day adventure. I'll write more on that later.

Love.

Lookie what came in the mail

So on Wednesday I received this beauty in the mail!! This is the HCG trigger shot I will hopefully be taking this next Wednesday. I am believing this will be the best $$ spent!!! I took my last Clomid pills today!! Yippie!

 

We did Clomid before but never with a trigger shot. That's what caused the 3 cm cyst on my ovary because I wasn't monitored and was just given Clomid over and over for 4 months. This time will be different though. I'm so excited.

Sadly, when I get excited so much on the inside that I feel like I'm going to burst, I tell myself to stop it. Don't get your hopes up. You've been here before, thinking that this is the month. If the Dr. will only give me Clomid I'll get pregnant the first month, I know it. 4 months later I was in worse shape than when I started. Now, we are in the same boat and I'm soooooo super happy. I can't even explain the anticipation and excitement I'm having right now, but also the anxiety and doubt.

So, I've decided to move forward with my thoughts. Quit thinking about what happened at the other Dr. We are seeing specialists now and they are experienced and do this daily, multiple times. I am focusing on the day at hand. Tomorrow is the furthest I will look because there is no need to speculate what's going to happen. Worrying and contemplating is not going to change the results of the ultrasound on Wednesday.

Praying will though, I'm standing firm on believing that Wednesday will be the day that everything is ready and that we will be able to go ahead and take the shot and won't have to go back again for another ultrasound.

I also have my hematology appointment on Wednesday to see what is really going on with my blood and how much more treatment will be needed or not needed. Lots of new info coming my way!!!! Good news, good news, good news!!!!

Build a Baby Update

So this is my arsenal of medication. In the mornings I take my prenatal vitamins, cranberry pill, extra folic acid, and low dose aspirin. Then at night right now, I'm taking Provera.

 

I was supposed to start my cycle on the 3rd. Didn't happen. So, I waited until the 10th and nothing. I took a test and it was of course negative. I called the Dr. and they had me go for blood work just to double check and make sure I wasn't pregnant and also to check my progesterone levels. Apparently they were low, which indicates that I didn't ovulate this month, which means my period will need help starting. That's the reason for Provera at night right now. I take that for 10 days then the period is supposed to start within 10 days of stopping it.

Ahh well, we weren't "trying" anyway this month because we wanted to start fresh when my cycle started with Clomid!

Now, it's just waiting until it does start then I will go in for an ultrasound to see where things are and then start Clomid if all looks well in there!! Praying!

He Gave Us Peace

Today and tomorrow, as I go through two procedures that will bring us closer to getting pregnant, I am reminded that He have us peace. I can't give myself peace. I don't have it in me right now. But I don't have to rely on myself because I can have Heavenly Peace. Peace that passes all understanding.

Our First Appointment=Postive and Good News

 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heya! This might be a lengthy post!

 

Ok, so our appointment yesterday has completely changed my perspective on TTC {trying to conceive}. COMPLETELY!

 

Our Dr. and the staff are amazing. I'm in love. Literally. It's amazing. I feel 100 times better about the whole situation. Turns out I DO NOT have PCOS. He couldn't find any reason as to why I should have been diagnosed with it. AMAZING! This whole past year I have been so focused and my treatment has been so focused on treating that and trying to get pregnant with PCOS and all of that. I don't even have it.

 

Anyway...they did an exam and TONS I mean TONS of blood work. {14 tubes to be exact} He measured everything in there and said it all looks great and he has no doubt we will be pregnant with in the next couple of months.

 

I'm out this month because my cycle has already started and we would have to start right away and he wants to figure some more things out before we get in to all of that.

 

So, the plan is this...

I'm having a Sonohysterogram which uses ultrasound to look at the inside of your uterus. The images from it can help find the cause of bleeding or problems with getting pregnant. This test is Monday and can be done at the Dr.'s office.

 

Then on Tuesday, I'm having a Hysterosalpingogram which  is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of my uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. Dye is put through a thin tube that is put    into the uterus, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using X-ray as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. It also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall. {source}. This will has to be done at the hospital but only takes a few minutes. Which is good. I hear its a little painful but I'll be ok.

 

Basically, this past year was a bit of a waste of time and money with all that we had to go through but it's ok. We are moving forward and not looking back. He wants to find out why I'm not staying pregnant. He doesn't think there is a problem getting pregnant it's staying pregnant that is the problem. So I had to have a ton of blood work done to figure out if my blood is or is not clotting which is causing restricted flow to my uterus and the baby. He's not sure what is going on yet but we will find out soon. They are so in depth about everything and never left me hanging about anything yesterday. I always knew what was going on and what the plan of action was. We were at the office for about 3 hours and not once did we feel like we didn't know what was going on.

 

Once he figures out what is going on with my blood he will know what medicine to put me on so that we can stop that from happening. Then I will do another round of Clomid with a trigger shot on ovulation day. Then we will do the deed on a specific day {how romantic right?} and go from there. The whole time I will be monitored and I will have tons of ultrasounds and we will make sure the baby implants and know for sure we are pregnant before I could even take a test to see.

 

I can't wait for the future. I'm so interested in everything that is going on in my body! I love it. May be a little weird but it's all so interesting to me. Maybe I should have been a Dr.?

 

That's enough for now. I will keep you all updated!

 

Here's to 2014 and the best year yet! {not just because of baby either!}

 

 

 

The Start of Something New

Tomorrow is the start of something new. Tomorrow is the day we start seeing a fertility specialist.

So far our journey has looked like this...

24 months of trying
22 negative pregnancy tests
1 large cyst
2 months of birth control
2 miscarriages
4 months of Clomid
730 stressed out days

I'm done being stressed out about this. I've come to terms with the fact that it will probably take us a little longer than some couples to conceive. And that's ok because I understand there are many, many, many couples who cannot have children on their own. And right now, I still have hope that we will.

I cannot believe the number of couples that go through this on a daily basis. When I started looking in to it and researching I was blown away. As weird as this sounds, it's such a relief to know that we aren't alone and we aren't going through this by ourselves.

I am so excited for tomorrow. My regular OB has been incredibly helpful, but I feel the time has come to move one. She can no longer help us, she is out of options, and in my opinion kind of giving up on us. Which is not ok, but it is. It pushed me to move on to someone else, a specialist that deals specifically with infertility and has an amazing success rate.

So tomorrow, we go and we figure out a game plan. Let's do this. I'm not sure what step will be first but I know that it will be a step in the right direction. I'm tired of just trying things and seeing if they will work.

My cliché 2014 goal is to be positive...in all I do. In every area of my life. It's hard and I have to constantly shoot down thoughts of negativity and some times a few things slip out that are negative and I have to remind myself that it's not doing me or my husband any good. It's just not. NO need!

I will keep you updated and let ya know how it goes tomorrow. I am going to start writing out our journey. If for nothing else, for Mike and me to remember the walk and path we took to get our sweet miracle(s).

 

PS...I'm going to be changing the name of this blog. I'm sure I'll lose some of you as I have already but that's ok. I will miss you but I understand.

The Covington Children {a little creepy}

 

So according to MorphThing.com this is what our children will look like. It's actually pretty cool but a little creepy.

 

 I used this picture to "morph" our faces.

 

I can see Mike in the top picture but I see no resemblance in the second one. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens. :)

 

You should try it. It's fun!

Our Journey Part 2

After I was diagnosed with PCOS I had to have blood work done to see what/if anything was causing it. I had to start taking progesterone pills to kick start my period since it wasn't coming on its own. My blood work came back fantastic so it wasn't insulin resistance or anything like that. She was a little baffled but decided that it would be best to start me on Clomid 50mg.

The process with Clomid is pretty simple but it requires a lot of planning and timing things just right.

Step 1: Start your period.
Step 2: Start taking Clomid on days 3-8 of your period.
Step 3: Start using ovulation tests on day 10 of your cycle.
Step 4: Do the diddly for 3 days in a row after you get a positive.
Step 5: WAIT
Step 6: Start taking pregnancy tests the day of your missed period.

Step 7: Which no one wants to happen...up your dose of Clomid and start all over again.

I am on my second round of step 5. Yep. Clomid didn't work for us the first time. Well...it actually did what it was supposed to and I actually ovulated. The egg just never fertilized.



proof

 

The bad part is that you can get a positive on an ovulation test and actually not ovulate with PCOS. The ovulation kit doesn't detect ovulation itself, it detects the surge you get before you ovulate. Women with PCOS will more than likely get that surge and when the egg is released, it doesn't go anywhere but right to the outside of the ovary. Sigh. So who knows if I really released and egg or not the first month.

So, when I started my period, I called the doctor and she increased my dose to 100mg. Let me tell you...I'm seriously hoping it works this time. If not, I'm not sure I'm going to do it again. Clomid gives you the worst...I mean the worst hot flashes ever. Plus when it's time to "think" you're pregnant you have every symptom you would if you really were. Sore boobs, cramps, lower back pain, moodiness. Yikes. Everything that indicates that there is a little peanut growing in there.

If we go three rounds and nothing happens then it's Mike's turn to get poked and prodded to see if there is anything wrong with his little guys. We are believing it won't come to that.

Nursery Inspiration

So, Mike and I AREN'T pregnant yet but we are definitely trying and so of course {like any insane} woman does, I am planning the nursery. Of course, we aren't going to find out the sex of the baby once we do get pregnant so I'm trying to go as gender neutral as possible.

Would I be crazy to start before we even get pregnant. Yes. I'll answer that myself.

Here are a few finds that inspire me...I'm sure it'll change by the time its actually time to do the nursery but this is what I'm crushing on right now!

 

These totally adorable prints from The Animal Print Shop. You can find them {here}. Are you kidding me? They have all kinds of cute real live prints. They aren't animated and I like that. I'm not about the animated stuff.

 

 

 This crib. Seriously? I am in love with the gray! I think it's super neutral and can be used for a girl or boy. Our floors in the what will be the nursery are dark wood and I think this would look perfect. You can find them all over the internet but Amazon seems like the best priced. You can find it {here}.

 

 

 

I really like these fabrics. This is going to be the hardest part for me. I don't think I'm going to do the bumper because of the risks it causes but I for sure want some cuuuute bedding. I mean irresistible! Spoonflower is definitely the source for fabric. Hands down! Since I'll more than likely be making the bedding it's easier to customize!

sources:
1//2//3//4

 

 

 

 

 

{here}

 

This rug. I just wish it was a little bigger. I am really digging the triangle stamped look which is why more than likely I will end up going with the arrow fabric above or making my own. Below are some pillows that would fit perfectly. You can't buy these anywhere but there is a great tutorial on them {here}.

 

Then you have the curtains of course...Urban Outfitters has TONS of triangle stamped stuff. LOVE.
{here}

So all in all, I think it'll be a woodsy, triangle, baby animal nursery. Perfect!