All on the line...emotionally

So, I know its been a while since I've been here but today I felt strongly to share my feelings about where we are.

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A few months ago I just wasn't feeling right. I made and appointment with my Dr. to tell him about what was going on. I was trying HARD to lose weight. I was working out 5 days a week, eating right, doing everything I could. I was gaining weight! He gave me this speech about this and that and didn't want me to get my hopes up that something was wrong, maybe my body just didn't like the things I was putting in to it or was getting "used" to working out. Whatever, I knew. He ordered some labs and sure enough....insulin resistance. Back to the PCOS mumbo jumbo! Great.

I wasn't ovulating, I was gaining weight, I had insulin resistance, and still NO BABY! He decided to start me on Metformin and see how that went for 3 months. This is month three and still no baby. But there are some positive things that have come from this. Last month I decided to do OPK's to see if I was ovulating on my own. Now before we get too far ahead, I already know that you can get a positive and still not ovulate. On day 18 of my cycle I got a +!!! Praise Jesus! The medicine was working! 14 days later my period started (grrr) but I knew my body was working the way it should. This month, I had lots of tell tale signs that I ovulated around day 14 or 15. I didn't do an OPK this month because I didn't want the stress of having to take a test every day at the same time and blah blah. If you have ever taken OPK's then you understand what I mean...it's tiring. I think it's worse than a pregnancy test, honestly!

So here we are, month 3. I'm waiting. Waiting on my period to arrive, waiting on a + pregnancy test, waiting to see what happens this month. If I am not pregnant this month, then we move on. We redo my labs to see where my levels are. If they are improving.

I have lost 13 lbs, which isn't a ton, but its something. Anything is better than gaining weight!! Metformin has kicked my rear though, its not an easy medicine to be on. You definitely have to eat right and cut back on the carbs and sugar!! Something I'm not great at!! I'm getting there though!

If I'm not pregnant, we will more thank likely try more fertility treatments beginning in January. I want to be that woman and couple that goes off treatments and gets pregnant. I want to be that couple that is able to tell that miracle story. Either way we will have a miracle, I know it. But quite honestly, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of it all!

I'm broken, emotionally. I'm ready to be a mother. I'm ready to see my husband as a father. I know he will be so great with our children. I don't want to have to go through IVF, I just don't. It's hard to rely on Dr.'s, medicine, God. But that's what we will have to do. It won't be and hasn't been easy for us, but we will have a story to tell at the end of all this. Encouragement for others.

I think from now on, I will try and not talk about infertility all the time. I will keep you updated but I also want to just write about other things. Life in general. I know a baby is my life right now but it doesn't have to consume it.

Much love...

Danielle

Flowers for Spring {inspiration}

I love spring! I love the fresh flowers and the new life that comes with spring. It just makes things seem new and fresh. A brand new start full of cheer and happy thoughts!

Lately, my thoughts have been pretty negative. I've fallen in to the infertility funk, rut, ravine, sink hole, whatever you want to call it.

It's officially been 27 months since we've started trying for a child and almost 1 year since we conceived last time. I try not to focus on the long term numbers because it really depresses me. So much that I don't want to be around people. I don't want to take care of myself and I eat. And gain weight. Then I start feeling better and the next month happens. The next negative comes and it starts all over again!

Not this month. I've started going to a POUND workout class that my aunt teaches and I will continue to do so until we get pregnant. Then I will have to get the clear from the doc before I can work out. I don't want anything to happen this time! I'm overweight and out of shape so it's been hard but I'm doing it. I'm super sore and a little grouchy about it but hey I feel better when I leave and it makes me want to eat better to be able to see results.

I've let my weight go and I'm so unhappy about it, but food is good and I was lazy and I let myself slip in to the overweight funk.

I've been trying to turn my negative attitude around about our situation because I'm not the only one who has ever gone through this. I have a great support system and hope and faith that things will come to pass. I just can't help but think that we have been waiting for so long.

There are so many questions that I have that I'm not sure I will ever get answers for but it's ok. Why do we have to wait? Why are there so many couples out there that get pregnant without trying? Why are there so many women who don't want to be pregnant get pregnant? Women who have had their tubes tied and men who have had vasectomies, pregnant? Women in 3rd world countries that can't take care of themselves and their babies, who have AIDS and probably won't live to even see their babies turn one. (this truly breaks my heart so I'm not being rude or disrespectful here)

But a new day is coming. Hopefully sooner rather than later! We are so very ready for this next chapter in our lives, the chapter that includes 3 (and more to come) Covington's (plus Quincey Kitty). The chapter that brings new life, new hope, new joy, new restoration. We are ready to be more than what we are!

Here's to spring! Warm weather, sunshine, flowers, birds chirping, and new life!!

On the low side

Today...

I'm on the low side.

 

I'm just having one of those days. You know, like circumstantial depression I guess you could call it.

 

There are a few things going on around us that are just bringing me down. I have to remember that God gives me the strength and the peace and the drive to go on. It's hard to remember that though, its hard to rely, its hard to have faith. Some times I feel like I've been there. I've tried that and a lot of times it seems to only get worse.

 

I've decided to take a break from Facebook. I can't do it right now. There are a lot of people announcing pregnancy and talking about being pregnant. People hinting to the idea of trying again or hinting that they are pregnant but haven't come out and say it.

 

Do you ever feel like people do things with a hidden intention. Like they mean for it to be known and thrown in your face, but they don't realize it? I'm sure a lot of people thing its me or whomever being overly sensitive but you can tell the malicious from the non. I'm not just talking about babies and pregnancy either. Friendships, relationships, material things, possessions. Things they know you want or need and that they can get freely. Have you ever told someone you wanted something and they go out and get it? Then it doesn't seem special to you. Thanks.

 

There are other circumstances, friends that come and go, life happenings, and things of that sort that are going on as well. It's hard when things change.

 

So today, I'm just taking my space. Trying to trust. Trying to have faith. Trying to remember I'm in this moment for a reason. It's only for a season. Please...only a short season!