the end of the story

hello...

so i told you i would write about my feelings and the procedure at a later date...i dont want to keep dragging this out so im going to write it and get it over with...here it goes.

i had a d&c done on 4/20/12. what a day...i had to be to the hospital two hours early...i couldnt eat anything after midnight the night before. now i dont know about most of you but for me i stop eating at about 9...if even that late...so i pushed it to the very last minute :) anyways...we get there and i dont want to do it already because of the whole situation. so i change into the lovely hospital gown and the nurse starts asking me all kinds of questions...pretty personal. they ask about what we want to do with the remains of the baby and if we want to name the baby...i totally understand there are things they have to do legally but i had just found out the day before that we were losing our baby...its pretty hard and pretty devastating to have to answer these questions. so after we got done answering the questions it was NEEDLE time. she wanted to put an iv in me..UMMM NO.

mike was being very sweet and trying to calm me down but i was having one of those...I WANT MY MOM moments. thankfully just as she was going to start doing it i started to cry...well i dont know if thats thankfully or not...but she asked me if i would like her to leave and she could come back in a little bit. i politely told her yes i would like you to LEAVE ME ALONE.

finally my parents got there and my mom came and sat beside me and calmed me down...then she started to stick me again....well of course...it didnt work. so she had to take it back out and she was going to try again but it was time for them to take me up to surgery. she said well they will probably put you to sleep then put the iv in you....AWESOME! that made me a very happy girl.

so they take me to the presurgery room and tell mike and my parents that they had to leave and as soon as they did i started crying again...of course i didnt want them to leave. i wanted someone to be with me until i had to go to the operating room. so the very sweet nurse asked me if i would like my husband to come back in and sit with me til it was time to go...YES PLEASE. so mike came in and then a bunch of other nurses came around and every time a nurse came up to me they had to ask me my name....my birthday...what procedure i was having done...it was hard enough...then i had to keep telling people what i was having done...then you get the ooh im so sorry look and it makes you feel worse. i know nurses are sent from god and i believe that wholeheartedly but c'mon seriously...you have to ask me every single time you touch me what im doing here?!?

then the anesthesiologist came....o gosh. thats when it all started to get a little crazy...of course he asked me what i was having done and blah blah...then he said were going to put an iv in ya. alright...after im alseep right?!?!?!?!?! NO! here we go again...tries to stick me in the other arm. mind you...i dont have a problem with needles...drawing blood and shots dont bother me but the look of an iv...plastic...doesnt seem strong enough to get through my skin without it hurting too terribly bad...thats what freaks me out about ivs. anyways...he starts to put it in and cant get it again. i will spare you all the gory details of what happened over the next 20 minutes...i ended up getting stuck 10 different times...after the 5th time they finally started numbing the area they were sticking the iv into. THANK YOU!

finally it was time to go to the operating room...by this time they had gotten the iv in and put a little "feel good" medicine in it. they had also given me pitocin...which is good that they didnt get the iv in me til it was time to go because i didnt want to feel the crampiness of the pitocin. all i can remember is that i kept telling them not to cover up my feet...this is a personal thing that i may or may not have a slight ocd about (tell you more about it later)

next thing i know i wake up in the recovery room...i have an oxygen thing up my nose and my throat is sore (they put a breathing tube in after i was asleep). i politely ask the lady to take the oxygen thing out of my nose because it is itchy. they called mike (who to no surprise was in the cafeteria eating with my parents :)) and he came up and sat with me until they took me back down to the room we started in. i had to go through the normal go to the bathroom before you leave thing. it didnt take me long because i wanted out of there and they wouldnt take the iv that was sticking out of my wrist out until i did. i was starving because they wouldnt let me eat anything. finally they brought me a piece of toast and we were off. free to go home....where i slept and slept and slept for hours upon hours...it was lovely.

you know i never thought something like this would happen to me...no one in my family has really struggled with any problems related to pregnancy and so i didnt expect it. to be honest the night before we went to the doctor i kept waking up and thinking oh my gosh...how am i going to tell everyone that i had a miscarriage. it was the worst feeling in the world. its like when youre dreaming but youre awake but your dreaming...if you know what i mean. i cannot put into words how that news makes you feel. its a feeling that only the women who have gone through it would know. im sure its the same way with my husband and im not discrediting his feelings but to have that baby that is growing inside of you taken away from you without you being about to do anything about it is a terrible feeling that i pray none of you ever have to go through.

the thing that keeps me going is God. really...im not trying to be preachy or flakey or whatever but im serious. i have to pray 100 million gazillion times a day for peace and strength not to start crying at my desk while im working. he has helped me so much i cant even begin to tell you the things and the people that have come across my path that have helped me through it all. i have gotten private messages on facebook from people who i have inspired and helped with different things just because i decided to be honest and share my story. this is the real reason why i even shared my story in the first place. i wanted everyone to understand that there is HOPE. without HOPE there is no way that i could have made it through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hope that one day we will see or precious baby again...hope that we will have more children and they will be healthy....hope that my body is whole and healthy to have those sweet babies form inside of my womb.

thank you for letting me share this personal story with you. we are doing well and are looking forward to starting the journey of parenthood again soon. of course we have to wait for the go ahead from the doc ;)

happy wednesday!!!

with love always...

danielle