can't wait to meet you someday...

well...majority of you dont know that we found out we were going to have a baby on March 27. we had been trying since january casually (is there such a thing for a girl) and were so very excited when that
test came back positive that morning. it was super early in the morning...like 5 o'clock. of course mike was still sleeping and i ran upstairs and told him...he didnt believe me. made me turn the light on and show him...even then he thought i was joking. nope...not joking...

we only told a few people at first because we wanted to make sure everything was ok and we didnt want to get too over zealous about things. we told our parents, mikes grandma, his sister, and a few of my friends. i wanted to come up with something cute and special to tell everyone else. we decided to go with the following picture....

we told the rest of my family...aunts, uncles, cousins, and my grandparents on easter at our family get together. everyone was so surprised...we talked about it the whole time.

pregnancy wore me out. i was constantly tired, hungry, and moody. (what pregnant lady isnt) i slept and slept and slept and slept...i could sleep anywhere.

well....heres where the story starts to take a turn for the worst...i decided to go for a walk to the library...which is about 2 miles round trip...because i wanted to "get in shape" while i was pregnant (not easy when all you want to do is eat). anyways...when i got home later that night i had some spotting. nothing serious i thought...i called the doctor just to make sure and they told me it was nothing to worry about, take the next day off and keep your feet up...just relax. so i did so. everything went back to normal. i was craaaaaaaaaving mcdonalds french fries...i mean i couldnt get enough of them...doesnt work to well with the getting in shape part. we had no suspicion that anything was wrong.

things were great for two weeks....then i started spotting again the day before i was supposed to go to the doctor for our first appointment. again...didnt think anything of it because it had happened before and the doctor said it was normal and fine.

so day of the appointment...i am so excited i can hardly stand myself. we go in fill out paperwork..the usual blah blah of a first doctors visit. finally we got called in to our room and the doctor came in and they did the routine exam and stuff and then she asked me if i was nervous because she could tell i was about to cry when we were talking about the spotting. i said yes and she agreed to do an ultrasound that day...eventhough your first one isnt supposed to be until 20 weeks and a heartbeat one at 10. i was almost 8 weeks. so we had to go back out the waiting room and wait somemore. they finally called us in to do the ultrasound. the nurse kept clicking and measuring and clicking and moving the thing around but wasnt talking or saying anything. finally i just asked her if that was the baby and she wouldnt answer me so i asked her again...still no answer. FINALLY she said...i dont think this is going to be a normal pregnancy...i will go get the doctor. WHAAAAAAT? ok...now mind you...my doctor...Dr. Kiko...is amazing!!! if anyone in the canton and surrounding areas is pregnant and need a doctor i suggest and recommend her. she is outstanding! on the other hand this lady that did my ultrasound...not so...how do i put it...caring, compassionate, tender with the information....this didnt make it any easier.

as soon as she walks out of the room i break down. i try to be strong for mike and because i didnt want the doctor to see me like that. anyways...the doctor finally comes in and tells me that the baby is only measuring about 6 weeks and we need to run some more tests. she explains to us that i could just not be as far along as i think and everything could be normal OR i could have what they call a blighted ovum...this means that there is something wrong with the baby's chromosomes and my body shut down the process to prevent any birth defects (which is great but hard news to get). she sent me to get some blood work done that day and then again two days later to measure my hormone levels.

fast forward two days to thursday...i got my final blood work done and had to wait what seemed like all day to find out the results. my levels had gone up some but very little...they should have doubled or more.

i cannot describe the feeling...its like when you find out someone in your family had passed away but that person is inside of you growing in to a beautiful human being....especially with this being our first and being so excited to finally have a baby. for someone who hasnt gone through this its hard to make them understand what youre going through and what youre feeling. im not saying that people are insensitive or anything like that but some of the things people say to you make you wonder if they think about it before they say it. "well at least it wasnt a baby yet" "at least it happened now before you got to hold it" are just some of the things that people say. its hard enough already...for people to say things with the intention of being nice and trying to make you feel better...only to make you feel 100 times worse.

we were facing a decision that is probably one of the hardest decisions i have ever had to make. what to do with our baby...do i have a natural miscarriage (which could take weeks and weeks), take pills that will enduce (very painful and lots of bleeding), or a d&c (which could cause scaring but is the least painful and the quickest). we chose the latter. i was scheduled the next day....we had to say goodbye to our unborn baby.

i will write about the procedure and my feelings another day...this is enough for one day. i didnt write this post to get sympathy or make you feel sorry for me because thats the last thing that i need/want. i started this blog to write about our journey through life and marriage and this is part of it. theres nothing wrong with me and we will be fine. were going to have babies and have a beautiful healthy family some day...this just wasnt the time. we are so thankful for the support and love we have received from so many people and we will be forever grateful.