Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Remembering OUR Babies

Remembering Our Babies 2013
I think the real reason I quit blogging for a while is because I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep drudging up what we were going through! I've read blogs where all they talk about is trying to get pregnant and I could see myself slowly getting to that point and I just needed a break. So today I'm linking up with Sarah @ The Fontenot Four to remember the babies we will someday see again.
That doesn't make it any easier.

I've told my first loss story \here/ if you would like to read it. It was and is honestly the hardest thing in life that I've had to go through. That seems so selfish when I talk about it or write about it, but it's true. I've never really had any hardships in my life so I think that's why its knocked me so far in to despair.
I've also talked about our journey \here/ and \here/.
What I haven't mentioned yet is that we had another miscarriage or "chemical pregnancy" as they like to call it.
looking at it here you can barely see it but it was darker in person!!
It's really hard to see in this picture but I got another positive pregnancy test on our 3rd cycle of Clomid! I didn't believe it of course because when you go through a loss its hard to be positive about a positive! So of course, I retested and retested and all were positive. Barely there but still positive none the less.
Well, I called the doctor right away and they said they couldn't get me in until the following Monday. I'm like no lets do an ultrasound just to make sure things are ok. They weren't having it! So I waited.
I retested the next day and the line was much lighter. Oh, here we go again! HERE WE GO AGAIN! Seriously? I called the doctor and they wanted me to go for blood work. I went through the process and found out that we weren't going to get to meet this baby either. AHHHH!!
I was only about 5 weeks by the time we found out we were going to lose this one. It was easier this time because I knew the emotions that come along with it, but still hard because we've waited. But we've waited. We've done everything we were supposed to. We're on fertility drugs. I was ovulating. I am ovulating.
This time, I didn't have to go through a D&C or even a hard natural miscarriage. According to the doctor the baby didn't even implant before my body realized something was wrong. I didn't have to wait long before it was over. Then we started again.
And we continue to wait. Patiently? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Sometimes its hard and sometimes I'm stronger. Most of the time it's hard when I start my period and realize that another month is over.
But I'm choosing to not let it consume me any more! We have gone off fertility medication right now. We had a semen analysis done. We're going through genetic testing. We are working towards figuring out why my body won't sustain a pregnancy. I needed a break from the medication though. We will wait for the results to come back and go from there. In the mean time, I've been losing weight (they say that helps your cycles regulate) and just relaxing. Trying not think about it.
I posted \this/ on Facebook a little while ago and I thought it was fitting. Please, please, please read it and understand that loss isn't easy and your words could only make it harder if you've never been through it. It doesn't matter if the baby was born or they had a miscarriage. It doesn't matter if they were 4 weeks along or 30 weeks along. It's still a loss.
Here's to believing that someday soon I will be able to announce in a fun way that we are expecting!
To all those mothers and fathers who have suffered loss, know you are in my prayers! We will get our miracles, it may just take us longer or down a different path than others. It will be so rewarding in the end. The pain is real though and I understand!
So today I honor...
Baby Covington #1 (4.20.12)
Baby Covington #2 (6.23.13)

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