Monday, September 10, 2012

It doesn't make it easier!

So, I've got some exciting news for you all today. I'm going to be an "aunt" again! As many of you know I'm an only child so therefore I can't technically be an aunt except for on my husbands side. I'm very close to my cousins so I consider them brothers and sisters. Anyways, we just found out that my cousin Zach and his wife Aimee are pregnant!!! She has guest posted here twice and I'm so very happy for them.

When Aimee told me, I went through a million different emotions. My first initial reaction was shock, because I didn't think they were still trying. See, we started trying at the same time they did and I got pregnant first about 3 months after we started trying. Either way, then I went through EXCITEMENT that we're going to have another beautiful baby in the family! Oh my gosh are you serious? The only bad part about that, is that they live in Washington State. My other "niece" lives in Idaho! :(

Then, I went in to sadness. If you haven't read the story you can find it here. This isn't fair. I want my baby, why did this happen to me? I called my mom and cried and blubbered about how unfair life was and blah blah blah. I had to go to the grocery store and while I was driving home decided that I wasn't going to go anymore and I was going to go home and lay in bed and cry all night.

Then, there was anger. Not at Zach and Aimee of course because the whole time I was and still am so very excited for them. It's such a wonderful feeling when you see those two lines or that word pregnant on that stupid pee stick! I was angry because, like I said before, it's unfair. Unfair that our sweet little baby got stolen from us. Unfair that we had to go through so much hurt and pain.

Then....regret to a degree. I felt selfish and stupid. Why in the world would I be sad at this moment? This is a wonderful time for's a human life. Grow up!

But, that doesn't make it an easier. I'm not feeling sorry for myself by any means. That's not whats going on here. Honestly, we aren't trying again right now. I need to lose some weight before that happens because I don't want to be overweight while I'm pregnant. There's nothing wrong with that, except I don't want to run the risk of gestational diabetes or high blood pressure. I don't want anything to go wrong this time. I know they say that it was nothing that we did, but that doesn't help when they tell you that you're not going to be having the baby that is growing inside of you.

It doesn't make it any easier when you see people who are due at the same time as you finding out the sex of their baby, picking out names, posting pictures of the nursery, ect. Please please please don't get me wrong. I'm over the moon happy for these people. Trust me I am. I have no ill feelings towards anyone. Period. I may be a little envious and sad that they get to experience the whole pregnancy and get to hold their sweet baby, but I know some day that I will get to too! There is nothing wrong with me or my husband! We can have another baby! People shouldn't feel like they aren't able to tell me stuff or be afraid of my reaction.

God gives me hope. Hope for a prosperous and fruitful future. Something was stolen from us and so that means next time we are going to be blessed beyond measure. That is "owed" to us. Man, if I didn't have that hope I don't know what I would do with myself. Honestly, I would probably go in to depression.

I didn't let that happen though. I picked myself up off of the bed, went to the grocery store, came home, unloaded the groceries, and took a long walk. Exercise. That's the key. I put my headphones in and listened to some country music and walked, fast, for an hour. I knew if I sat in the house and cried all night that it would only get worse. I would let it consume me, take over. That's not good because I can dwell on something for years, not outwardly, but inside.

So, moral of the story. BE HAPPY FOR OTHERS!! Even when things seem in despair in your life. Being bitter will only hurt you, it won't hurt the other person. Why would you be bitter anyways, this is a HUMAN BEING we're talking about here! It's a precious life! Our day will come and they will be happy for us! Turn that frown upside down!

Aimee, I know you're reading this so I want you to know that I am so very happy for you and Zach! I know your feelings and concerns about getting pregnant. I love you guys so very much and can't put in to words how happy and excited I am for you! I wish you were closer so I could enjoy this moment with you two! Enjoy every moment and take lots of pictures! xoxo

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