Monday, June 12, 2017

motherhood has made me quiet.

 Motherhood has made me quiet, and I'm ok with it. I had this profound post planned and now that I'm here I don't feel like I can do it justice with my words. How do you explain that motherhood has made you quiet.  I don't talk like I used to, I don't just hang out with people to hang out with them, I don't just carry on a conversation with someone to occupy my time. Priorities shift and change.

There's nothing really to talk about other than my child. He is my life.  I mean I work and of course I have my husband who is my best friend but other than that I don't do much. My life is consumed with my family, mostly my baby boy.  I go to work M-F and I come home and get to take care of him.  On the weekends, I wake up with him and we are together all day. And I love it. But it has made me quiet.  I used to talk about anything and everything just to talk because there was nothing else in my life that consumed my time like he does.

Some other mothers get it, some other mothers don't. And then there are people who are just getting married and don't have children, there are people who are trying to have children and can't, there are people who don't want children. Do I just blabber on about my child to them? Some people just don't want to hear about your child's poop that day or that he can now say "up".

Don't get me wrong. There are times when I just want to talk about nothing, but when I try all that comes out are things about Rylan, or my husband, or my time with my little family. And again, I'm ok with it. But some people...they look at you like, "oh that's nice", lets move on.

I think about all the time we spent waiting for him and all the time spent going through fertility treatments just to be able to have him.  So now that he is here, I don't want to just fill my time with empty words.  My words mean something now.  I want to just be with him, watch him, help him learn new things. Let him know that he's my world and I wouldn't do anything to change it.

They don't fall on deaf ears anymore.  I know he's only 10 months old, but he does hear and pick up on every word I say. I don't want him to hear my negativity or blah blah talk.  I want him to understand that every word means something, that words are important. 

I don't know if I'm even making sense at this point, so I'll stop.


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